This week, we’re hearing from Mia. A mum who knows all too well the stress and uncertainty that comes with fighting for fair child maintenance payments.
Mia, you’ve spoken openly about navigating the challenges around child maintenance, can you give us some background about your story? And crucially, how does it make you feel?
My situation has been ongoing for a number of years. I share a 9 year old daughter with my ex-partner, whom I separated from when she was one. Unfortunately, myself and her father don’t have a positive coparenting relationship and so, after trying for a couple of years to come to an informal arrangement with no success, I decided to apply to the CMS for support in ensuring a fair outcome for both of us but most importantly, our daughter.
It has now been six years and, despite going through CMS, things have been incredibly inconsistent and stressful. Payments are regularly appealed, reduced, or delayed, and last year they amounted to just £39 a month, which doesn’t even begin to reflect the real cost of raising a child.
Emotionally, it’s exhausting. Having the same conversations over and over takes it out of you and the thought of your child missing out on things she is entitled to is hard to take. I’m incredibly lucky that I am now married and my husband is very supportive of my daughter, financially, and would never see her go without – but that’s not the point. It’s not just about the money, it’s the constant uncertainty and feeling like you’re having to fight for the bare minimum.
How do you communicate with your children about who pays for what when co-parenting?
It’s always been important to me that my child can just be a child and not worry about money or adult issues. Ideally, finances would never be something we’d need to discuss.
However, after she returned from her dad’s house, saying that he gives me money and I spend it on myself. Her behaviour towards me changed, she understandably became very emotional and hostile towards me and it started to affect our home. At that point, I felt I’d been put in a position that I had to have a conversation I’d never wanted to at this age.
I kept it simple and age-appropriate, reassuring her that she’s cared for, and helping her understand the reality without placing blame. We spoke about how much things like food shops, school uniform, days out and her cheerleading training cost and, if I’m honest, it was a really positive conversation and her behaviour has improved significantly since. It wasn’t a conversation I ever wanted to have, but in our situation, it was necessary and ultimately helped rebuild trust between us.
Since then, I have realised it’s important to be honest and appropriate. She’ll know if I’m hiding something and all that does is cause her anxiety and damage our relationship.
What changes would you make to the child maintenance system?
I think the system as a whole is very dated. It’s too easy to get out of payments and it doesn’t feel as though the true cost of raising a child is considered. There needs to be more consistency and accountability, with less room for repeated appeals that delay and reduce payments, leaving the primary caregiver and, ultimately, the child short of money for the things they need. I hear so many stories of the system being manipulated, which only serves to detriment the child concerned.
Ultimately, tighter penalties for missing payments and, I think, random checks of bank statements of the paying parent, like they do with means tested benefits. I have heard countless stories of self employed parents claiming they earn a lot less than they do to avoid paying what they should be. They need to be held accountable and made to contribute fairly.
What strategies do you put in place to handle the financial uncertainty around payments?
Reframing my mindset and focusing on what I can control. I’ve had to become very organised and realistic. I budget and plan as though I won’t receive anything, so anything that does come in is a bonus that I can put away for her birthday or a school trip rather than something I rely on for daily living costs.
Planning ahead where I can avoids any unexpected costs that I need to cover, I always plan my month out in advance allowing for any parties or events she has in her month and make sure there is money aside for them.
Also, now that she’s older, I communicate with her about money. She understands basic budgeting and that sometimes you need to make sacrifices to have the things you want later. She sells some of her clothes on Vinted when she’s grown out of them and keeps track of her pocket money. I try to look for a positive to come out of any negative situation, and her financial understanding and education is definitely a positive to come out of this!
What advice would you give to someone navigating a similar situation?
Firstly, don’t rely on the system to be your safety net. I learnt the hard way that just because you go through the CMS, doesn’t mean they’ll be successful. I know they SHOULD be paying, but it doesn’t always happen overnight.
Secondly, keep everything documented. It makes a difference if you ever need to challenge decisions, which you likely will.
Remember that you’re not the only one going through this, even if it feels like it. This is a government system made for other people like you.
If it feels too much, there are so many amazing online communities you can talk to for some amazing advice or just to share experiences. I found it can be so lonely as unless people have been in this position, they don’t get it and they say things they think will help but just don’t!
If you’re feeling out of control when it comes to your money click here
Follow more of Mia’s journey here