In this community story, one of our Financielle members shares her experience of financial abuse. From the early warning signs she didn’t recognise, to finally feeling in control of her money with the help of Financielle.
Tell us a little bit about your money journey to date.
My money journey started when I moved away from home to university. I was suddenly given a £2,000 overdraft with no financial experience. I spent it all quickly and incurred overdraft fees. My partner at the time moved down to be near me. This is when things slowly started to creep in, he started saying that I was bad with money and would make comments in front of my friends that I couldn’t budget or handle my money.
Once I moved in with my partner and we became engaged and he took full control of the finances. He did this slowly, saying he wanted to help and support me out of debt. From there, I dated him for about 12 years, which included financial abuse, coercion and controlling behaviour.
I am very lucky to now be out of that relationship, debt free and making positive money decisions.
When did you recognise you were the victim of Financial abuse?
Unfortunately, I didn’t recognise the financial abuse straight away. There were small moments where I realised something wasn’t right, but I pushed them aside.
At work, if we went out for drinks, colleagues would often give me their free drink from buy-one-get-one-free offers so the transaction wouldn’t appear on my bank statement. My manager once offered to put half my pay into a different bank account. Looking back now, I realise they understood the situation long before I was ready to. It wasn’t until I was out of the relationship and talking to a therapist that I realised how bad the controlling behaviour was.
What advice/warning signs would you give to anyone experiencing something similar?
From my experience, signs included; him monitoring my accounts and criticising every purchase. Him taking my cards and me having to ask for my own money. A £15 a week allowance, with arguments if I went over. Making me feel irresponsible and bad with money. Becoming angry when I received a raise at work, meaning I earnt more than him. Convincing me to get a loan to pay off my overdraft. Taking over loan repayments and damaging my credit score intentionally by not paying them.
All of these happened under the disguise of being the caring fiancé who just wanted to support me, that’s why financial abuse can be so difficult to see when it is happening.
My main advice to anyone who suspects they may be in a similar situation is to talk to someone. This could be friends, family or someone you trust. There are also a lot of great organisations that will discuss things with you confidentially.
What was the trigger to make the change?
The turning point for me came when I had to move back in with my parents. Ironically, my ex had spent all of our savings for our wedding trying to keep up with his own debt repayments. He had not been able to keep up with payments for our rent; which was kept from me until eviction day.
I was very lucky that my parents took me in while he lived with a friend. The distance gave me more freedom and I started to realise how pressured I’d been when I lived with him. I found a part time job and they paid me cash in hand. My money felt like mine for the first time and it felt absolutely amazing.
Being back in an environment surrounded by my friends and family gave me the strength to start standing up for myself and spending my money how I wanted. I realised that I deserved better and started to push back, this is where things escalated to physical abuse.
I wish I could say that I left straight away, but it took months of this occurring and getting progressively worse before it all came to a head in a very unsafe way and I left. I would not recommend this way of leaving to anyone, please have a plan in place and fully consider your safety first.
What do you wish you could have told your 18 year old self about money?
If I could talk to my 18-year-old self I would tell her that money is not something she needs to feel ashamed of struggling. Everyone starts somewhere, and learning how to manage finances is a skill, not a personality trait.
Control disguised as “help” is still control. Someone else managing your money does not automatically mean it’s being done in your best interest.
Most importantly, I would tell her she doesn’t need to earn the right to independence.
What’s been the biggest change since joining Financielle?
The biggest difference for me was reading the Financielle Playbook. I’ve spent years getting myself out of persistent debt, but every month brought an emergency and I’d end up using my credit cards again. No matter how much I saved, I couldn’t seem to break the cycle. When I joined Financielle, the playbook helped me put everything into order and made building an emergency fund my first priority, something I’d never had before. Now I can handle emergencies without going back into debt I’ve built a £1,500 mini emergency fund that will continue to grow.
Another pure joy is the budget. I actually really enjoy sitting down the night before payday and working out everything in the budget app. It’s really made me realise that I am the one who has control over my money. I also take great joy in putting little things for myself into the budgets so that I can save while enjoying my money.
You can download the Financielle app here
Where to get help if money feels unsafe.
If reading this made you realise you’re in a difficult or even dangerous financial situation, please know you’re not alone and help is out there.
Here are some places to start:
- Women’s Aid womensaid.org.uk
Offers support for women experiencing domestic abuse, including financial and economic abuse. - Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline
Call 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, free, confidential). - Surviving Economic Abuse survivingeconomicabuse.org
A UK charity dedicated to raising awareness of economic abuse and offering resources to help women rebuild financially. - StepChange Debt Charity stepchange.org
Free, impartial debt advice and support if you’re struggling financially. - Citizens Advice citizensadvice.org.uk
For guidance on your rights, financial support, and legal options.
Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. You’ve got this.