This week’s story comes from a member of our community who’s bravely shared her experience of financial secrecy in her marriage.
Can you tell us a little bit about your story?
I’ve never been great with money, but things got worse when I got married. We never combined finances in any way, my husband always refused. This meant I had no input into how he spent his money, and most of the time I didn’t know where it was going, even though he earned a lot more than me.
Because I did all the life admin, all the household and childcare bills came out of my account. I then had to ask my husband to transfer money over, which was always difficult and felt awkward. It also meant I never knew how much he’d give me, or when, sometimes a few hundred pounds, sometimes £20.
We never had joint accounts, but our lives were still tangled financially, I covered household expenses and then had to beg for money back. I also had significant debt of my own, from poor financial management on my part (I fully admit my part in this. I had no idea what I was doing and was in a constant state of panic), made worse by constantly picking up costs I couldn’t recoup.
What was the moment it came to a head?
It came to a head on 4 August 2022. I was completely out of money, all credit cards and my overdraft maxed out. I sat on a bench and cried. I eventually added everything up: £33,000 in debt.
How did you find out? And was there a point before that where things didn’t quite add up?
I found out by chance that he was doing things like giving his eldest son hundreds of pounds in pocket money, and that he was taking out payday loans.
My marriage then broke down in February 2024 when I found out my husband had been having a long-term affair, including buying her lots of presents. When we separated and exchanged financial forms, I discovered the full depth of his debt.
We got child maintenance sorted out, and I learned to budget, which meant I could rely on money from him and start paying my own debt back more quickly.
Who did you turn to?
I didn’t know anything about financial help at the time, but somehow managed to get a Debt Arrangement Scheme through StepChange. I was extremely lucky to end up with the right solution, completely by chance. I had no idea about my options and was in a complete state of panic and isolation.
What does your money life look like now compared to then? Do you have any money goals?
I made my last debt payment in July 2026, at £178 a month, and I’m now saving hard to buy a house in three years, once my credit score improves (it’s currently terrible). I’m in a much better place. I have a monthly budget, a small emergency fund, and I check my accounts every day. I’ve also found an amazing community on Instagram.
What do you wish you’d known earlier?
I wish I’d known all this in my twenties. That’s what frustrates me most, I’m nearly 45 and starting from scratch because of choices I made.
What’s the first practical thing you’d say to someone who’s just found out something similar?
If you think your partner is financially cheating or hiding things, go with your gut. Sadly there’s no way to check if they have debt or where their money’s going, but don’t let them fob you off, I was taken in for five years while he led a double life. Also, learn to budget with what you have on your own. Try not to be reliant on someone you can’t rely on.
This content is for general information only and does not constitute financial advice. If you need advice tailored to your personal circumstances, please speak to an authorised financial adviser.