This week on The Vault, we got a dilemma that a lot of people will recognise even if they’ve never said it out loud.
“My friendship group splits everything 50/50. Dinners, holidays, weekends away – it’s always just divided equally and everyone pays their share. The problem is, we don’t all earn the same. I earn significantly less than some of my friends, and while I’d never want them to know I’m struggling, the honest truth is that I sometimes can’t afford what we’re splitting equally. I’ve started saying no to things I actually really want to do, just because I can’t keep up.”
Whether you’re the one doing mental maths while everyone else orders another round, or you’ve genuinely never clocked that someone in your group might be struggling, this one is for you.
You’re not being unreasonable
Let’s get that out of the way first. Feeling the squeeze when you’re trying to keep up with someone else’s lifestyle is really tough. The fact that our listener even wonders if she’s being unreasonable shows how much shame there is around money. We really need to get better at talking about it.
Her friends probably have no idea. They’re not sat there clocking every time she says no. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to be keeping score, but that doesn’t make the stress any less real. Sitting at a table in a restaurant stressing over the bill while everyone else is on their third glass of wine is genuinely exhausting.
Splitting bills with friends isn’t always as straightforward as it sounds
There’s a big difference between splitting a bill equally when you’ve all had the same thing and when you deliberately ordered a starter instead of a main, chose tap water over a nice wine, and skipped dessert because you knew you couldn’t afford to go ‘all out’.
If you ordered less, you should pay less.
There’s an issue here with the broader dynamic, for example, splitting holidays and weekends away equally regardless of what everyone earns is a different conversation. Friends don’t owe you financial support, and it’s not their fault they’re on a higher salary. But the idea that 50/50 is automatically the “fair” way to split things is worth questioning. Fair and equal aren’t always the same. It’s the same when it comes to splitting bills.
What to actually do
Be honest, even if it feels a bit awkward. It doesn’t need to be a big conversation. You can just send a quick message on WhatsApp or say it in person, something like: “I love going out and doing stuff, but I’ve got a budget I’m trying to stick to. I might have to say no to a few things because I’m trying to be better with money.” You don’t have to go into loads of detail or make anyone feel guilty, just say it.
Good friends might surprise you. We’ve seen it happen: someone says they can’t make a trip, and without any fuss, the group splits the cost between them. It costs each person almost nothing and it means everything to the person who nearly didn’t come.
Pick and choose. You don’t have to say yes to everything. Being tactical about which plans you join isn’t being “flaky”. Choose the things that matter most and let the rest go without guilt.
Create your own fun. Movie nights at yours, a coffee, a couch to 5K – you can hang out without spending loads of money. Suggesting cheaper plans isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Most of the time, the others in the group are just relieved someone else brought it up first.
And if it’s the lifestyle you genuinely want? You’ll need to think about boosting your income. If you want to be doing all of it comfortably, the real question is how to get there, not how long you can keep stretching a budget that doesn’t fit. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to create a budget that actually works for you.
One last thing
Sometimes friend groups naturally change when people are at different life stages, and money can be a part of that. It’s worth asking yourself: are you saying no because you can’t afford it, or because it’s stopped feeling like what you want to do?
Your budget is your best friend here. Know your numbers, be honest with the people you trust, and don’t spend the whole dinner thinking about the bill.
Have you ever had this conversation with your friends? And how did it go?
The content produced by Financielle is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute financial advice.